University of Wisconsin - Extension

Contact: Mary Huser, 608-265-3589, mary.huser@ces.uwex.edu

Madison, Wis.--Your teenager and her friends are leaving the high school basketball game when some classmates who have been drinking offer them a ride. Would your daughter accept the ride?

According to Mary Huser, prevention specialist with the University of Wisconsin-Extension, understanding the way teens sometimes think when they make decisions can give parents some insight into how their children behave.

"Teens often visualize either-or choices," Huser says. "For a teen, thinking of all the possible choices, especially in a difficult situation, can be quite challenging."

For example, a teen might think: "Either I drink beer with my friends or I look like a loser," or "If I don't have sex with my boyfriend, he'll break up with me." There are other options, but your teen's concern about how friends and peers will react makes the decision difficult. Keep in mind that, at this stage of their lives, teenagers tend to focus on the present rather than thinking of the possible long-term consequences of their actions.

Huser offers these tips to help parents.

--Be a good role model. Make decisions that are healthy for you and those who are important to you. Think about the consequences of your own actions and talk about what you might have had to give up in exchange for the choices you've made.

--Encourage your teen to think about the feelings and emotions that come along with a choice and the consequences of their actions on other people. Would your teen be disappointed to miss grandpa's birthday to go see a movie with a friend? How might grandpa feel?

--Teach your teen to get accurate information about different options. For example, use the Internet together to look up different colleges or tech schools. What jobs are possible with different types of degrees?

--Work through the decision-making process along with your teen. Let your child talk first, and together come up with choices and consequences.

"Let teens practice making decisions about easy things first," says Huser; for example, what color to paint their bedroom, after-school activities to participate in or how to wear their hair.

Also important for parents is knowing what not to do. For example:

--Don't criticize your teen's ideas. Instead, encourage them to think of more ideas. Ask them about other ways to handle the situation. Take advantage of this opportunity to build a warm and supportive relationship with your teen. This relationship is key to your teen's healthy development.

--Don't make all the decisions. Offer guidance and then support the choices your teen makes--even if they're not the same ones you would have made.

--Don't forget to talk to teens after they've acted on a decision. What worked? What happened that was unexpected? What would they do differently next time?

--Don't say "I told you so." Most of us have a few decisions we regret in our past. The good news is that your teen is learning and each decision is helping to prepare for the next.

For more information on parenting teenagers, contact your local UW-Extension office or visit the Extension Learning Store website at http://learningstore.uwex.edu/Parenting-Teenagers-C76.aspx